The Help

Released: August 10th 2011
Director: Tate Taylor
Ok, so let's get this out of the way. No-one thinks racism is good and definitely NOT boring. But MAN was this film about racism BORING. This film has Oscar bait written all over it. It stars walking quirkathon Emma Stone, it's stylish like Mad Men and it's about bloody RACISM. But it's also half an hour too long with a bloated script, with a really unsatisfying ending. I've tried to sum it up in the banner image, although the film drops the REALLY unsubtle "long road to travel" all over the end credits, there is a certain sense that Eugenia Phelan (Stone) has a good handle on how to cure racism. It just doesn't feel authentic. The film is framed against the civil rights movement, and does have some really jarring sequences for a modern audience, but at the end of the day, I remain unconvinced. To give the film it's due, there are some moving and funny moments, but they can't carry the rest of the film. The film seems to be trying to hard to be loyal to the novel, and forgets to be cinematic. There is a whole love-interest-plotline that could easily have been chopped with no impact on the story.


Best Bit: The scene where awesomely alliterative big baddie Hilly Holbrook eats a slice of poo pie. Predictable but it got a laugh.
Worst Bit: The overblown AND THE ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER ending.
Say This: It went on a bit, but I suppose it got the job done. Noone is going to come out thinking that racism is ok. Except a racist, who wouldn't go and see it anyway. 
Don't Say: I want more popcorn, excuse me? Usher? *Sigh* You just can't get the staff.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

Released: 23rd October 2011
Director: Steven Spielberg
Since this is the closest Andy Serkis will ever get to being allowed to be in a proper film, I thought I'd dedicate the banner picture to him. Depending on whether you have read the Tintin books or not, this film will mean different things to you. As far as I'm concerned it's a flipping fantastically exciting Indiana Jones for the modern audience. Ind14na Jonez if you like.  Using motion capture technology similar to that used in Beowulf (without the DEAD EYES EFFECT) the film really transports you into Tintin's world. It's a bit like our world, only dogs like booze and Daniel Craig is a good actor. The film flows effortlessly through increasingly exciting set pieces with some fantastic shots that wouldn't be possible without modern technology. It really is beautiful. Written by Stephen Moffat and Joe Cornish, the writing is as excellent as you expect and brings Hergé's stories thoughtfully and sparklingly (yes.) to life. Setting you up for a sequel, presumably to follow the timeline of the books, the film really leaves you wanting more. Oh, and there's a tank in it. 
Best Bit: Tintin, Haddock and Snowy chasing Rackham and his Hawk down a hillside town. Exciting and stunning.
Worst Bit: The slapstick between Thompson and Thompson is a bit distracting, slows things down a bit.
Say This: Eye poppingly beautiful film that couldn't be made at any time but now, fantastic fun to look at and hugely enjoyable. 
Don't Say: How on earth did, what appears to be, a 14 year old ginger boy become a world famous journalist?

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

Released: 16th September 2011
Director: Thomas Alfredson
This man is not Alec Guinness. Not only is THIS man not Alec Guinness, none of the men in this film are Alec Guinness. Alec Guinness is SO not in this film, by rights it should be the worst film ever made.

Right?

No of course you're right I should take my ill thought out opinion and leave immediately. So what if Alec bloody Guinness made a brilliant version for the BBC that everyone should go and rent/watch/download. This version is bloody brilliant too. Better if you count not taking SIX HOURS to watch the whole thing as a bonus.

Set in a frightened Cold War Britain, the story tells of a mole in "The Circus" (read: Spys 'R Us) and Commissioner Gordon has been tasked with working out it's identity. It's beautifully shot, I mean BEAUTIFULLY. The film looks great, I saw it digitally projected, which might spoil it for some people, but it looked bloody fantastic. For me, all the details were spot on, the cars, the hats, the briefcases and Benedict Cumberbatch's flares. Nice work. I don't know very much about Cold War history, but I have learnt from this film that it was scary and I'm glad I wasn't there. The dialog is pitch perfect with some really brilliant performances (Standouts: Gazza Oldman and Tombalina Hardy) Since the whole point of the film is working out who the mole is, I'm loathe to give it away, so skip the crib sheet if you really don't want to know, or plan on seeing this film in the future. My one critique of the film is that you don't get alot of time to get to know the characters, there isn't a whole lot to latch onto when it comes to emotional depth.

Here's your crib sheet:
Best Bit: Sirius Black, poncing about in his socks carrying a gun. Or the bit where the plane nearly runs the NOT MOLE over.
Worst Bit: The confusing "Christmas Party" flashbacks took a bit of getting used to. (that sounds like a punchline, it is not)
Say This: A really atmospheric movie, it had me gripped from start to finish. I knew it was Mr. Darcy from the start.
Don't Ask: Why did the fat kid give the dead spy a cheeseboard?

The Edinburgh Fringe...

With 20,000 performers in over 40,000 performances at 258 venues in the same city during the same four weeks, there’s always someone who brings up the world famous Edinburgh Fringe Festival around this time. An absolute one-off, the experience is difficult to blag if you’re not sure what it’s all about. Don’t fret. In fact, the best way of ensuring a smooth Fringe conversation is by following our handy guide of what to say (and what not to say) when discussing the goings on up north this August. 

Casually throw these in during retrospective Edinburgh conversations to mask the fact you weren’t actually there: 

1. Yes, I tried to get tickets but it kept clashing with other things. And I got kidnapped by a promenade theatre piece and forced to drink cranberry juice while reading from the Qur'an. 
2. Oh, I have no idea which bit I enjoyed the most- the room was so hot I fell unconscious.
3. God it was rainy, eh? 
4. All I can remember is bagpipes, cider and a man shouting “TATTOO PROGRAMMES” (this is in reference to the world famous Edinburgh Tattoo that takes place every night in the castle. It’s a procession culminating in fireworks) because I was battered. In fact, I think I still am. Goodbye.
5. I can’t believe Puppetry of the Penis is still going. I saw it was in 3D this year. What's up with that?! (double whammy: not only is this pertinent, but it's also a potential opener to that standup set you've been thinking of writing) 
6. I bumped into Jack Whitehall in Brooke’s Bar last year and he was a <insert offensive synonym for “womaniser” depending on the age and constitution of your audience> 
7. Did you go to Mosque Kitchen? So cheap, and the curry is so wonderful it doesn’t even matter that it’s served on polystyrene plates and I once found a garden snail in the Sag Aloo. 
8. What did I go and see? Oh, some young standup, ooh, what was his name, he had some great one liners about sex, his parents, how unlucky he is in love and some embarrassing things that happened to him… then I saw a play where worlds collided and everyone got naked.  
9. I lost my scarf climbing up Arthur’s Seat (this is a large, craggy cliff) 

Things you should avoid saying at all costs: 

1. The highlight for me was probably sitting in Arthur’s Seat. Do they sell them in Ikea? (don't worry, all is not lost. Just whip out the old "what's that about?!" line and suddenly you're back into your standup routine)
2. So which campsite were you in again? 
3. The most incredible thing about Edinburgh has to be how everyone gets tattooed each night in the castle. Scottish people are mental. 
4. I went the year Pulp headlined.  
5. Scottish people really are mental. 
6. What’s the point of performing in front of six people? Apart from all the money they're making, of course. 
7. I hate Scottish people. 
8. Jack Whitehall is utterly hilarious. 
9. Last year was great, I managed to see pretty much everything apart from a few clashes.
10. I killed a Scottish man on The Mile and everyone thought it was a costume so he died.

Follow this advice and you should be able to sail through a light conversation about the Fringe Festival with little to no problem. And if you struggle, don’t worry. It’s only on for one month of the year- you’ve got a whole twelve months to prepare before the next one. 

Captain America

Released: July 19th, 2011
Director: Joe Johnston
Ok, so Marvel have taken the gloves off now, forget all the nudges, winks and eyepatches the last few films have been subtly ramming up our bums, it's Avengers o'clock and here's the first one! Captain America introduces one of the trickiest characters for an audience to attach to in the Marvel (sigh) Universe, America have sort of blotted their copybook by doing some fairly unpopular wars over the past few years and to push being "American" to be as good as being "Iron" or "Hulky", is a tough sell.


So what have they done? There's a British lady in it! Dominic Cooper plays Howard Stark! There's a man in a Bowler hat! In other words, lots. It's really pushed into the background how American this guy is, the doctor that makes him super is a German, and the Americans he's fighting for (except for the bloody brave soldiers) tend to look a bit like dicks in this film, and that's pretty brave for the filmmakers.



One feeling I did come away with from this movie was, "What's next?" All the way through, I felt like I was waiting for the real movie to start (This feeling is known as Incepectation) and I don't think it really will until we see the Avengers. It trotted along nicely with some nice set pieces and some not too boring exposition, setting 95% of the film in Old-Timey days was a good move too, it puts the audience in a mindset of "America is OK" and also "All of this crazy stuff probably did happen" so alot of the mad science can be forgiven. There's alot of silliness at the start with skinny Chris Evans but it basically does the job of setting the scene. Although this film is basically a big AVENGERS IS COMING WE PROMISE it does it's best not to feel like it, and Tommy Lee Jones is brilliant.



Here's your crib sheet:
Best Bit: Captain America and Red Skull Facing off over an exploding warehouse, really dramatic first "Proper" meeting of the leads. (Hugo Weaving is flipping brilliant)
Worst Bit: When the idiot ginger kid gets dropped in the river, Captain America has time to stop and let him crack wise? The bollocks alarm has gone off.
Say This: An entertaining movie with the right amount of explosions to keep the story going. 
Don't Ask: Why was the guy allowed to keep his bowler hat on? In a WAR?

WE TOTALLY NEED THIS

At least we know why those Lumiere guys were bothering in the first place.

Do you get to know the end of the film if you look over the top of the screen?

(review of Captain America THIS WEEKEND)

Julian Assange On Trial

Yes, everyone's been hacked and Rupert Murdoch's melting candle face is dominating the front page, so you may have missed Julian Assange's trial earlier this week. It was quite interesting and important. But don't worry, you can catch up here... 

Julian Assange is, for those unfamiliar, the figurehead for Wikileaks- the organisation that began casually releasing a stream of embarrassing, yet often revelatory, private memos from the US state department earlier this year. Unfortunately, he also has the face of a perverted uncle.

You know. Those grey locks. The "sparkling" eyes. That lascivious smile faintly reminiscent of the creepy guy on the night bus. Or your uncle. Or your uncle on a night bus.

He's accused of being a "high tech terrorist", there have been calls for his assassination, and Newt Gingrich declared "Wikileaks should be closed down permanently", despite overlooking the fact his name is Newt, and therefore nothing he says can be taken seriously. Aside from this, you could almost see the reams of US government officials trawling through Assange's history as the cables continued to leak, snuffling for any dirt they could find to send him packing to a large manhole. Or, alternatively, Sweden.

First came the online dating profile. That wasn't great, but it wasn't an arrestable offence. Second came the allegations of rape in Stockholm last August, which wasn't so great. And was definitely arrestable.

Having been confined in Norfolk (!) for over six months, wearing an electronic ankle bracelet and checking in daily at the Norfolk police station, Assange was finally was put on trial.

Two women, AA and SW, described "circumstances in which they did not freely consent with coercion" and now it's the Royal Courts will decide whether or not to send him packing to the manhole/Sweden quicker than you can say BUT AA SPENT FOUR NIGHTS PRIOR TO THE ALLEGED ASSAULT SLEEPING IN A SINGLE BED WITH HIM.  Or GOD I REALLY WANT SOME SOUP.

Not that there isn't evidence for rape, of course. Assange did apparently rip their clothes off, break a necklace and try to get down on it without a condom. In fact he didn't try. He definitely got down on it. Thanks to The Guardian, we have all the details whether we wanted to know or not. Assange "trying to force her legs apart to insert his unprotected penis"? Cheers, yeah. Of course it's a severe situation, but one can't help feeling vaguely unhappy about the visuals. Sort of like if your grandmother's boob fell out over Sunday dinner. Serious, yes. Pleasing? Hardly.

The charming images continued with some some lovely debates about the life cycle of an erection. Assange's counsel, QC Ben Emmerson pointed out: "If she chooses to spend a night in a single bed with a man there is a strong possibility she will come into contact with an erect penis." to which the judge agreed, and everyone in the Royal Courts threw up on themselves at the thought of.

The issue isn't, however, the evidence. An extradition verdict is concerned with whether the charge amounts to a crime, based on the conduct. The question isn't whether this is a "good" case or a "bad" case- despite the fact SW, according to the prosecution, told a friend she felt police had "railroaded her" into pressing charges- it's whether what has been alleged amounts to an offence.

Perhaps he is guilty, in which case  he should be punished. Perhaps this was blown out of proportion as a handy way of ensuring he- and consequently, Wikileaks- loses face by bombarding us with unsavoury images of him being a perv. WHO KNOWS? (I don't)

And there are more pressing issues than Julian's Assange. If he is extradited, Sweden could in turn extradite him to the US. Jetlag aside, he could go down the same route as Pfc Bradley Manning, accused of leaking documents to WikiLeaks earlier this year. Manning has been kept in solitary confinement in the US for over eight months under conditions that are, according to many, tantamount to torture.

Whether or not this is true, there are a lot of influential, powerful and probably quite well-built people in the US that would really like to be left in a room, alone, with Julian. And by that, I am insinuating they want to punch him. In case it wasn't clear.

So that's- very briefly- where we are so far. Now you're filled in, go and follow it just as we're approaching Crunch Time safe in the knowledge that you've got some, y'know,  knowledge.

The Olds of the World

It's all bloody kicking off in the press at the moment. If you haven't been keeping up with things or have been living in the belly of a whale since 2005, then I'll fill you in. Turns out, the News of the World spoiled things for themselves by listening in to the phone calls and voicemails of celebrities. And it turns out that noone really cares. Even when the celebrity in question played a bumbling prime minister with a thing for Tiffany off Eastenders.

What's one thing that always grabs people's attention (a valuable tool the NOTW have never been afraid to exploit)? Horrible crimes committed against young girls. Just as much as we didn't care that Hugh Grant had his voicemails listened to, the NOTW didn't care about the on-going investigation into the kidnap and murder of Milly Dowler. They listened to messages, deleted them and played all kinds of havoc with the emotions of her family and the police investigation.

All of a sudden, everyone cared. The nation cried out in unison,  a cry of "HOLD ON ONE ARSING MINUTE"

I've always been a firm believer that the tabloids will do anything for a story and don't tend to worry about the scruple shaped hole in their front doors. This sort of behaviour did not come as a surprise to me but it seemed to take alot of people by surprise. News Corp (who owned NOTW) are in the middle of trying to buy out the rest of BSkyB, and to do so have to prove they are fit and proper to broadcast telly. To convince people they are (they aren't) they shut the News of the World. The newspaper that has been open for 168 years. I'm not going to miss it. But some people will.

You know who no one gives a shit about? Rebekah Brooks. Yet she has been saved at the expense of everyone who worked at the NOTW, she is still in her highly paid job at Rupert Murdoch's side. Is this right? Is this the end of it? I hope not.

The best solution I can see is to subject the written press to the same regulation as the BBC and other broadcasters. Broadcast Journalism still provides scoops (as Jon Snow proved by scooping the NOTW) and still provides fascinating content. Why can't the newspapers?

Because they've been getting away with not having to try for too long.

Luther

Shown: 14th June 2011
It's a mad mad mad murder. Idriss Elba gets away with what other actors just couldn't. The plots of this show are flat out mental, but Elba keeps it all grounded by sheer force of will. Apart from Ruth Wilson who absolutely runs off with every scene she's in, it's a solid cast who all work together nicely. The story picks up from last series and immediately goes off in another more exciting direction. It looks like the producers have seen SAW and really think it's bloody good so lets bloody well do something like that. With a properly scary final act, it's a warm welcome back to Ludicrous Luther.
Here's your crib sheet:
Best Bit: Luther and Alice, talking in the hospital. She couldn't get more chilling if she drank nitrogen.
Worst Bit: Not for fans of realism or sensible stories.
Say This: A really great opener, scary in just the right bits, although Luther hasn't tipped anything over yet.
Don't Say: When does Superman show up?

X-Men: First Class

Released: June 1, 2011
Director: Matthew Vaughn
The fifth X-men film to be made and the silly sods still haven't learnt the lesson. There are always too many mutants to keep the story coherent. The story moves along at a nippy pace, with excellent performances from all of the leads, standout is Michael Fassbender, but it's difficult viewing when the first 45 minutes of the film is character exposition. It's a nice tip of the hat to the success of Mad Men and stylishly done, but it goes a bit far when Don Draper's wife turns up just to spend the whole film showing off in her pants. All in all, it's a good start to the Summer Blockbusters that thankfully doesn't just smash up the scenery for cheap thrills. 
Here's your crib sheet:
Best Bit: Michael Fassbender, steals his scenes, loses track of his accent a bit.
Worst Bit: Too Many Mutants
Say This: It was a pretty fun way to spend an hour and a half, a bit slow to get going. Luckily the most predictable bit was the cameo.
Don't Ask: I wonder how they convinced McAvoy to shave his head...
Nerdy Extra: Why would Kevin Bacon's hat have an M based design?