The Edinburgh Fringe...

With 20,000 performers in over 40,000 performances at 258 venues in the same city during the same four weeks, there’s always someone who brings up the world famous Edinburgh Fringe Festival around this time. An absolute one-off, the experience is difficult to blag if you’re not sure what it’s all about. Don’t fret. In fact, the best way of ensuring a smooth Fringe conversation is by following our handy guide of what to say (and what not to say) when discussing the goings on up north this August. 

Casually throw these in during retrospective Edinburgh conversations to mask the fact you weren’t actually there: 

1. Yes, I tried to get tickets but it kept clashing with other things. And I got kidnapped by a promenade theatre piece and forced to drink cranberry juice while reading from the Qur'an. 
2. Oh, I have no idea which bit I enjoyed the most- the room was so hot I fell unconscious.
3. God it was rainy, eh? 
4. All I can remember is bagpipes, cider and a man shouting “TATTOO PROGRAMMES” (this is in reference to the world famous Edinburgh Tattoo that takes place every night in the castle. It’s a procession culminating in fireworks) because I was battered. In fact, I think I still am. Goodbye.
5. I can’t believe Puppetry of the Penis is still going. I saw it was in 3D this year. What's up with that?! (double whammy: not only is this pertinent, but it's also a potential opener to that standup set you've been thinking of writing) 
6. I bumped into Jack Whitehall in Brooke’s Bar last year and he was a <insert offensive synonym for “womaniser” depending on the age and constitution of your audience> 
7. Did you go to Mosque Kitchen? So cheap, and the curry is so wonderful it doesn’t even matter that it’s served on polystyrene plates and I once found a garden snail in the Sag Aloo. 
8. What did I go and see? Oh, some young standup, ooh, what was his name, he had some great one liners about sex, his parents, how unlucky he is in love and some embarrassing things that happened to him… then I saw a play where worlds collided and everyone got naked.  
9. I lost my scarf climbing up Arthur’s Seat (this is a large, craggy cliff) 

Things you should avoid saying at all costs: 

1. The highlight for me was probably sitting in Arthur’s Seat. Do they sell them in Ikea? (don't worry, all is not lost. Just whip out the old "what's that about?!" line and suddenly you're back into your standup routine)
2. So which campsite were you in again? 
3. The most incredible thing about Edinburgh has to be how everyone gets tattooed each night in the castle. Scottish people are mental. 
4. I went the year Pulp headlined.  
5. Scottish people really are mental. 
6. What’s the point of performing in front of six people? Apart from all the money they're making, of course. 
7. I hate Scottish people. 
8. Jack Whitehall is utterly hilarious. 
9. Last year was great, I managed to see pretty much everything apart from a few clashes.
10. I killed a Scottish man on The Mile and everyone thought it was a costume so he died.

Follow this advice and you should be able to sail through a light conversation about the Fringe Festival with little to no problem. And if you struggle, don’t worry. It’s only on for one month of the year- you’ve got a whole twelve months to prepare before the next one.